If you give a
hypochondriac a handshake.
He’s going to ask
for hand sanitizer.
When you give him
the hand sanitizer he’ll probably ask you where you’ve been the last 24 hours.
Next he’ll ask for
your insurance information, then he’ll want to check webMD to make sure he
hasn’t an infectious disease.
When he cheeks
WebMD, he might notice he matches 4 out of 7 symptoms for several diseases.
So he’ll make an
appointment with his, dermatologist, obstetrician, ex-pediatrician , dietician,
and orthodontist.
When he’s visited
his doctors, he’ll demand a fecal matter test, just to make sure.
He’ll start
watching himself for symptoms.
He might get
carried away.
He may even end up
counting every strand of lost hair.
When he’s done,
he’ll probably want to rewatch all episodes of Doctor Who before he dies.
You’ll have to
prepare a hazmat suit for him so he can crawl out of his house for toilet paper
and groceries.
He’ll put it on,
make the helmet secure, and he’ll probably ask if he looks fat in it.
So you will lie to
his hazmated face because he already has enough problems, and he’ll ask you to be in his
selfie.
When he sees the
picture, he’ll thinks he sees a cancerous mole. He’ll get so excited he’ll want
to cut it off.
He’ll ask for some
tweezers and a sanitized blade to remove the mole.
When the move is
removed he’ll want to keep it in a jar…with his other moles.
When he’s done
he’ll want to put it where he could watch it grow.
Which means he’ll
need…a petri dish.
He’ll stick his jar
on top of the fridge.
After seeing the
filthiness at the top of the fridge he’ll ask for some hand sanitizer.
Chances are, when
you give him the hand sanitizer, your hands will touch.
